Yes Dating Is “That Bad,” And You’re Not The Only One Who Knows It

Shani Silver
7 min readSep 6, 2022

It’s not just you. It’s not you at all.

Photo by Shani Silver

One of the privileges of working in the singlehood space is the people. I get to connect with so many people who’ve shown me kindness, curiosity, support, love, and community. In creating the content I wanted to see in the world, I’ve met so many people who have been gracious enough to show me that I was right — we needed this.

From outside the single sphere, the narrative might suggest that the people I hear from are largely sad, lonely, desperate for love, etc., as though we’re an entire community in lack and longing. In reality, our interactions are much more nuanced, because while many of us do want partnership, there are countless layers to the feelings and experiences that come along with wanting partnership and not having it, or wanting partnership and spending years trying to find it. The most common trait among all the singles I hear from shouldn’t surprise me, but it does. It isn’t that we all have the desire for partnership — it’s the feeling that no matter what we’re experiencing or going through, we’re the only ones. The severity and frequency of experiences are so astounding that they couldn’t possibly be happening to anyone else — that would be insane. So we feel alone and embarrassed and deeply flawed, otherwise why would we be having such a hard time?

The search for someone else is isolating us, while at the same time there are countless singles going through the very same thing. Does that make sense to you? I mean I guess it makes sense to me, but I hate it. A community, a world of singles experiencing the same abhorrent things needs to know that it’s happening to everyone — and if it’s happening to everyone, there’s no fucking way it’s all your fault.

You’re not alone. The things that are happening to you, the foul messages you’re receiving, the scheduled dates that are standing you up, the grown adults unmatching with you after you’ve met in person instead of having the maturity to tell you they’re not interested in a relationship with you, the people who disappear after they’ve introduced you to all their friends and family, we’re all there — we’re all fielding this shit. We are all living in a world that is confusing, frustrating, exhausting, and unfair. Can you believe this