Will I Be Single Forever?

Photo by Shani Silver

I see this question a lot, mostly erupting from a state of panic. One-too-many Instagram engagement pics or awkward poses with sonogram photos happening to someone who isn’t you and boom. The fear, the jealousy, the rage, the helplessness, the exhaustion. The drive to grip the situation by the wheel and do something to end your singlehood as fast as possible. Only whatever you try to do, all the things you’ve ever tried to do, it doesn’t work. You’re still single, and still scared. You’re also asking the wrong question entirely.

It’s not about dating tips and tricks or Instagram dating gurus. It’s not about some magical change you can implement that will make your partner materialize in front of you. It’s not about asking yourself whether or not you’ll be single forever, because I believe that if you want relationships, you’ll have them. Maybe not on the timeline you want, but on a timeline that’s much more tailored to you. I mean think about it, have you ever asked yourself what’s so insane about what you want? It’s a relationship, not a yacht in Capri, most of the planet parters up — we’re not asking for much. The actual question isn’t “Will I be single forever?” Instead, it’s “Why is that all you can think about?” I’m not shaming you, I was you, for like a decade. There’s no shame here, not while we’re fixing shit.

A singular focus, an all-consuming dedication to ending singlehood by any means necessary is quite frankly no way to live. It’s lack-centered, it’s desperate, and if you’re offended by me saying this, welcome. You’re exactly who I want to talk to right now. I’ve been writing and podcasting for five years, trying to help women see how much singlehood doesn’t actually suck so that we can break out of a useless dependency on dating, an endless effort to “find someone” and maybe actually live our fucking lives. A single life that doesn’t center dating is about 10,000x happier than a single life that can only focus on finding a partner. You’re actually living less than you could be. Which incidentally means you’re probably interacting with fewer people in the world. Do you really want to know how to not be “single forever,” or are you interested in letting go of the need to solve this “problem” before you’re allowed to live?

If I sound frustrated, it’s because I am. Because I’ve been screaming into the internet for…