Well, Well, Well, Fancy Being Socially Distant From You Here
When ghosting comes back to haunt the mediocre men of modern dating.
I want you to imagine me in my finery. A sweeping robe of lace, silk pajamas, Persian cat napping nearby. I sit atop a vintage rattan throne, floral cushions all around and palm-frond wallpaper adorning the space. I wear glasses I do not need. My skin glowing, hair piled on my head in a professorial bun, half-inch nails filed to a point. They rap on the arm of the chair, deliberately…unyielding. Welcome, boys, to your reckoning. Tea?
There is a part of me, perhaps a large part, that wants to write one paragraph of this, publish it, and then not finish it until six months from now when I get around to thinking about you again. But revenge never feels as good as living your own life to the fullest, giving not a shit about those who wronged you. So I’ll write this in its entirety now, not for you, but those who deserved more than you bothered to lift a literal finger to give them. I write this for the women you ghosted, the women you ignored, the women you strung along, the women you used. I write this for us, as you sit at home in social distance with nothing in your cupboards but stale Honey Nut Cheerios and an almost-empty bottle of mid-range hooch.
I knew there’d be a time when it came back to you. Granted, I didn’t think it’d be a global pandemic and I wish the Universe had taken maybe less drastic measures, but here we are, here you are, popping back into the lives of women you didn’t value when you had the chance. They were, in reality, valuable then, you just didn’t have the decency, maturity, or fucking foresight to see it. So you went about your consequence-less behavior, thinking you’d never have to answer for your crimes. Your current loneliness, fear, and frankly ill-timed need for nurturing are your consequences, and all of us ignoring your bullshit texts are the answers we’ve been waiting to not give you for quite awhile.
I’m speaking of course about the swift evolution of the “you up?” text into the “you quarantined?” nudge. These messages are currently being sent out to varsity squad women all…