Various Grievances That Affect Us All But Mostly Me Specifically

Goddammit.

Photo of the Carousel Bar in New Orleans by the author.

Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, I didn’t ask to be here. You might think of it as “having a baby,” but I view it as deciding that a whole new person has to pay taxes now. I’m living on a planet with spiders not of my own free will and I’m upset about it. And as I currently find myself without anyone to bitch to, I’ve decided that listening to me is now your job. See? You don’t like it when other people make decisions for you, either.

Here are various grievances that undoubtedly affect us all but since I don’t know all of you I’m going to assume that this shit bothers me more than anyone else alive. Feel free to add your own below.

• The one solitary driblet of water that works its way down your sleeve, even if you’ve pushed said sleeve up to your fucking elbow, while you’re washing your face at the sink. And if you make a move to stop it, all you’ll do is spread more water AND soap.
• Stepping on a droplet of water the moment after you put on a clean pair of socks.
• Hand soap that squirts out in every direction possible other than into your hand which is placed precisely at the soap spout’s mouth.
• When you highlight a sentence to delete and then on your way to the delete button everything BUT that sentence is highlighted instead for no fucking reason and you were moving quickly so it deletes and you’re just left with the shit you didn’t want in the first place.
• When a fresh contact lens that you’ve literally just removed from the packaging somehow acquires a stowaway fiber fragment within the span of milliseconds as it travels on your fingertip to your eyeball , causing one of the most un-ignorable kinds of discomfort there is.
• When I bake cookies the scent around my home is isolated to the kitchen only and lasts for about ten minutes but if I roast something with garlic my entire house stinks for a month.
• When eye cream packaging reads “avoid eye area.”
• Snagging clothing on anything such that it hinders your forward movement.
• Drawers that will not stay closed and doors that will not stay open existing in the same fucking dwelling.