To The Human Barnacle Who Steals Sh*t Off My Porch

Vengeance cometh.

Photo by the author, so she has something to look at other than her vandalized exterior.

If it was Amazon boxes, I’d understand. Ooooh…what delightful treats await you beneath the hastily taped folds of cardboard. Riches perhaps? Goods ripe for resale via underground markets? Never mind that it’s typically just bulk paper towels and the special hair clips I use when I dye out my grays, no no—you go ahead and thieve those packages, I wouldn’t want…