Espadrilles: The perfect way to itch, 100% of the time.
Platform Espadrilles: Good for feeling like you’re walking around with cardboard boxes strapped to your feet.
Non-Espadrille Platforms: Zero to ankle sprain in 60 seconds.
Mules: An excellent choice for those who enjoy shoes that fly off the front of the foot with each step and send the arch of the foot crashing down upon the back of the apparatus.
Flip Flops: The absolute best way to get rubber-inflicted blisters on the TOPS of your feet.
Slides: Go fuck yourself.
Sandals (without buckles or straps): Instagram shoes for pedicure display.
Sandals (with buckles or straps): Suitable for use as footwear.
Stiletto Sandals: Hot air rises, so make yourself much taller so you can be where it is. Also pain.
Flats: The origins of stench.
Peep-Toe Flats: Weird.
Booties: Toasty foot prisons.
Sneakers: Excellent for resigning yourself to the fact that the situation calls for maximum foot protection but minimal foot contact with air.
Bare Feet: Fun in theory.
Gladiator Sandals: Tan lines you’ll need to explain later.