Our generation’s legacy.
In the event of my untimely death, untimely being any point during which the reaction is, “What? How!?” and before it evolves to, “Oh no, that’s so sad,” I hereby will to my loved ones all of the following incredibly well-branded subscription boxes. While I had intended to leave a much larger bequest, the convenience and perpetual Instagram marketing of these services was relentless. As a digital consumer, I succumbed, as many do. I’m certain you tracked the delivery of your organic bathtub disinfectant just this morning.
Therefore the full list of my subscription boxes are itemized below, to be distributed in equal parts to anyone I care about who remains alive and still shopping for things in an actual store and even then only when they actually need them at the time of my demise.
Makeup Samples: The original. Who among us can say no to teeny mascara?I’ve received monthly boxes of small beauty products since early 2012 so this gift is, in some ways, a cherished antique. May this subscription bring you joy and far better quality lotion to smear on your hands and face in-flight.
Books: By default, you have just inherited my memorial library. By now the stockpile of books should extend well into the garage and the plastic Home Depot shed I bought to catch the overflow out back. Lend books to anyone who comes to visit or even walks past the property. Do not specify a return date or impose late fees. I do ask that you stamp each one with the “please recycle” ink pad I keep near the coffee pot.
Deodorant: I know what you’re thinking. How much deodorant can one person use? In truth, far less than these people want to send you. Given that they email me regarding new deodorant twice a month, I have enough stockpiled in the foyer for you to use to grease an amusement park waterslide. It’s all natural. You’ll love it.
Skincare: My skincare subscription is tailored entirely to both the physical properties of my skin as well as my own personal concerns, but nevertheless I hope you enjoy the posh packaging.
Tampons: Honestly I don’t even want these I just can’t figure out how to get them to stop sending them. Maybe you’ll have better luck.
CBD Gummies: I thought about just leaving this to the person among you I like the most, but I don’t want to cause postmortem infighting. Somewhere in the last decade I began utilizing CBD gummies as needed for anxiety or just when I wanted a little something fruity. They are delicious and they might even work.
New Moon Worship: Prior to each month’s new moon, you’ll receive a box containing intention-setting instructions, crystals, and a ritual sacrifice provided it’s survived the FedEx truck. Only open it in the northwest corner of your home and even then only while utilizing extreme caution and waving lit sage overhead. Repurpose the collectible box prior to the following full moon, this is of the utmost importance, though to be fair I’ve never looked into why.
Tea: My monthly tea subscription box is one of my absolute favorites. It is also why you can’t open the far left cupboard in my kitchen without wearing protective gear, I make no claims about what will or will not spill out atop your person with extreme velocity. I’m sorry, there’s only so much tea I can drink and it’s so lovely I could never bring myself to give it away. If you all prefer coffee just box it up and leave it outside.
Plants: I’ve left a machete by the back door that you can use to hack through any existing deliveries taking root in the yard, in order to make room for new additions. None of the prior deliveries have been in any way ecologically compatible with one another, so there’s a very unnatural and quite frankly toxic ecosystem currently pulsating beneath the soil, but it’s so nice to get a package once a month.
Wine: In 2022 I turned the basement into a wine cellar for both storage and as a hosting space for my thrice-yearly tasting events. Previous guest lists are hanging on a rusty nail toward the back. Send each guest home with a case, I find it’s quite fun to remove the labels prior, always makes for fun texts throughout the year. We have found though that the 2017 merlot goes very well with trail mix from Aldi.
Cat Stuff: I never had the heart to cancel this following Mittens’ death, I think we all know what it’s like to have difficulty letting go. I’ve taken to leaving all food items on the porch for local vermin and all feather toys have gone toward a duvet I’ve been stuffing in the guest room. The quirky t-shirts are great to keep around in case you ever want to paint a room.
Coffee: Please don’t fight over this one, I assure you there’s plenty. I’ve included measuring spoons and reusable jars for you all to disperse each delivery in equal shares. You should also check the freezers in the kitchen, laundry room, and car port, as I find that it keeps fresher, longer at cool temperatures.
Pickles: This is one box that makes me sad I’ve died. Anyone who’s a fan of these crunchy, briny, preserved delights will absolutely marvel at the things they can manage to pickle these days. Given the naturally lengthy shelf life of these snacks, you should all find plenty to divide amongst yourselves in both the pantry as well as in the crawl space beneath the dining room. You won’t find any spicy dills however, as they were my favorite. July’s box is rumored to have pickled scotch bonnets, I’m so excited for you.
Socks: I wore a ladies size 8.5 shoe during my lifetime, so whoever has feet of similar width and length is welcome to this one. I never did care much for slippers, I always found it so charming to look down and see a whimsical pattern of frogs or comic book heroes instead. If you tie them end to end I’ve also found they make a surprisingly sturdy escape rope which you can toss out the second story window in the event of an emergency. There are seven in the closet in the hall.
Fragrance: There’s a hazmat suit hanging outside the guest bath, I suggest employing it prior to entry. While I used to pour unwanted scent down the drain, this caused eventual corrosion to the point of property devaluation, so now I just pour them all into the tub and leave them there.
Spices: You’ll want to use the gloves provided to open these, and it’s best if those with seasonal allergies avoid this subscription altogether. Due to a concern regarding fumes, prior boxes have been hermetically sealed and placed in that giant drawer under the oven people use for pots. I’ve also found that when mixed with good quality vodka, these can be used as fuel for the common automotive engine.
Jewelry: See those wind chimes on the porch? I’ve been fashioning them from these boxes and selling them on Etsy. It’s good pocket money.
Flowers: The fiscally responsible thing would be to simply use the next delivery as the floral arrangement for my service, but if the UPS guy is late (Gary always is), just use a bubble machine or something. There’s a closet in the hall I’ve been using to store all of the DIY potpourri I’ve made from prior deliveries, you’re also welcome to use it as attic insulation.
Boxes: At first blush, I’ll admit a monthly delivery of boxes isn’t nearly as exciting as the others, certainly not as welcome as the cheese. (Which I discontinued last year following a physician’s advice.) But I’ve found them surprisingly useful! Please feel free to exercise the “coffin” option for this month’s delivery, it’s a premium feature but I’ve left money in the empty coffee can on the windowsill above the sink to cover the difference.