Start Blaming Single Men, Right Now

Shani Silver
8 min readJun 5, 2022

We’re not single because of us. We’re single because of you.

Photo by the author.

I read this piece. I hope you do, too. It’s beautifully written by Morgan Parker and so many single women will see themselves in her words and in her confusion as to why we are alone despite presenting objectively lovable, worthy packages to the world. You’ll feel her sadness and frustration as if it were your own. But that’s the problem. We shouldn’t. This shouldn’t resonate with thousands, love shouldn’t seem so out of reach to so many. It’s just love! I have single, CisHet female friends in droves. I podcast to an entire community of them. I read deeply reflective and important essays like Parker’s and today was the first day I decided that I never want to read another one—if it’s written by a woman. We’ve been saying this, exploring this, frustrated by this for an entire adulthood now. But we’re not the ones fucking causing it.

There’s a reason you don’t see deep dives into the struggles of modern-day singlehood and digital dating from CisHet men. There’s a reason the sad single trope in a television show or movie is always played by a woman. They’re not highlighting the problems of dating culture because the current dating culture—from their perspective—is ideal.

As a society of single people, we are not dating. This not dating. This is operating a convenience store of things men like receiving from women, all in travel sized portions. The sex of course, but we’re all adults here and we know that casual, consensual sex can have its purpose. We know you’re trying to fuck us after the second date (or sooner), you’re not “charming” our pants off, we’re actually just listening to you talk and drinking negronis for a length of time that feels comfortable to us before we fuck you, and we know that once that happens we’ll never hear from you again. Sometimes, we actually count on that. But you don’t stop at sex, you don’t keep that silent contract limited to terms. You want emotional intimacy, but only in small bites. You want the comfort of connection, but only for a minute. You want someone to entertain you with text messages, someone to flirt with because that’s the fun part. You want to dip your toe into the idea of a relationship but as soon things start to feel real, you know…because you put forth effort into acquiring those things from a single…