“Single People Shouldn’t Have Costco Memberships”

As if $6.99 Prosecco only belongs to the marrieds.

Photo of the author’s own Costco membership card.

By now we’ve established that I use our internet to air grievances in a way that is fiscally beneficial. “May whatever hurts my feelings make me money” is not only a motto, it’s a tax bracket. I have one small addendum to this adage, and that is, “If you hurt the feelings of a single woman and I hear about it, I’ll not only make money off your foul manners, I might also spend it.” Anyway I just bought my first-ever Costco membership, the purchase was inspired by someone bullying my people, and I’d like to tell you about it.

I recently received an email from a podcast listener of mine who is single. She shared an experience she had at Costco. She’d been shopping there, minding her own business and deftly maneuvering a shopping cart the size of teenaged rhinoceros when she saw an acquaintance of hers. This of course is my nightmare, but she had manners and said hello. As the two were speaking, the acquaintance looked inside my listener’s cart and noticed a quite large bunch of bananas, as the only quantity of bananas sold at Costco is “quite large.” Upon seeing the fruit, the acquaintance looked down her nose and said:

“Single people shouldn’t have Costco memberships.”

Holy. Spirit. Activate. If I’d overheard this conversation, this acquaintance would have met the business end of a 5-pound bag of lemons straight to the kisser, so perhaps it’s for the best that I was not present at the time. My listener, who didn’t deserve once ounce of this, wrapped up her polite chat and went home to make smoothies with her bananas and if you’re wondering, she used every last one. Because as it turns out, single people do actually know how to shop for themselves. Bitch.

It’s the dismissal for me. The, “You shouldn’t be in the place you’re currently in, because you don’t deserve smart deals on food and sundries unless you have a spouse and/or offspring. You don’t qualify, you aren’t enough to be here. Please abandon your cart immediately and go pay more at Kroger where you belong, peasant.”

Single people shouldn’t have Costco memberships. Fuck immediately off! Reducing single people to a cohort of humans who couldn’t possibly use Costco quantities because they’re so alone in this…