Responses To Invasive Questions You’re Welcome To Use This Holiday Season

Zip it Aunt Bernice.

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I am not going home for the holidays. I am having them where I live, with friends, because plane tickets are expensive and here I know the nearest wine shop. The holidays, for all their football and side dishes, generate stress and anxiety because they place you in proximity to relatives you don’t see often, who know very little about your day-to-day life, and who also feel absolutely no shame in invading your self worth with offensive questions because you share components of DNA. How nice. How nice for us all.

You’re not defenseless in these situations, quite the opposite. You have the ability to quell these questions now, and in all future holidays that come to pass, simply by answering them properly. You’ve done a lifetime of smiling, shrugging, and drinking your way through questions that cause you embarrassment and pain. Are you ready to put an end to this? If so, put on your big girl pants and let’s clean house.

Since I have no need of effective clapbacks this season, I’ve decided to pass all of mine along to those who can benefit from them the most. The items below are specifically written for the benefit of single people, if you are a coupled person just adjust all language to assume someone’s asking you about a salary or a baby, and go with god.

Question 1: So, Are You Seeeeeeing Anybodyyyyyyy?

  • Yes, I’ve actually been dating someone for the last three months but haven’t heard from them in the last ten days because that’s how dating works now. Do you think they’re dead? I think they’re dead. Let’s call the police.

Question 2: Go On Any Good Dates Recently?

  • No, and if you’d like to know why you’re welcome to read the conversations currently taking up phone memory space in my Tinder app. Keep it away from the kids’ table though, you don’t want to pay for that much therapy.

Question 3: Can I Swipe For You?

  • Can I sleep with your spouse? Can I ask them to pick me up from the airport? Do our Christmas pajamas match? Then no, you can’t dabble in my romantic life if I can’t dabble in yours.

Question 4: Why Do You Think You’re Single?

  • Not sure, really. Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that dating has been digitized into bot-laden apps that pray on the hope of single women using our own optimism and desire for happiness against us in order to feed us advertisements and boast user counts to potential investors. Who’s to say, really?

Question 5: When Are You Getting Married?

  • When the divorce rate drops low enough to ensure that more than half the couples in this very room will still be together by next Thanksgiving.

Happy Holidays to you and everyone you love no matter what they ask you or when. xo

Written by

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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