Please Don’t Shop For Your Husband’s Birthday Present On Tinder

[Heavy sigh]

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Unless they’re working for the current administration or telling us it’s our duty not to wear leggings, I don’t like speaking ill of women. But a few days ago as I wasted 15 minutes of my life on Tinder, I swiped across a married woman who had signed up for the app and inserted herself into the face flows of women seeking men. In my disgust I didn’t take a screen shot, so you’ll just have to trust that she said:

To begin, have all the threesomes you want. I think that’s lovely. It does sound like fun, the threesoming, and I’ve no doubt your husband will thoroughly enjoy celebrating his most recent trip around the sun. However:

Single. Women. Are. Not. Items. You. Can. Shop. For. On. Tinder.

I’ve heard and handled some outlandish shit on dating apps. I’ve experienced shock, anger, disgust, and any number of unsavory emotions. But it’s being treated like a gift on a shelf at the mall two doors down from the corndog lady that’s really putting the crumbs in my cream cheese today.

“Hi, sorry guys, I’ve never been on Tinder before because I’m married and don’t have to be, but this is the best place I can think of to meet a single woman. And by best I mean the easiest, requiring the least amount of effort or discomfort on my part and guaranteed to reach the largest possible captive audience in my desired cohort. I couldn’t ask a friend if she knows anyone she could introduce me to, that would be so embarrassing! My husband would really love to sleep with two women (one of whom will be me, just to be clear), but I don’t want to do the appropriate thing which would be to hire a professional and compensate her fairly for her work, I want this for free. And all of you single women are free! So which one of you wants to be my husband’s free birthday present? Hmm?”

This bitch. Treating her own gender like we’re no more than a dusty box of Cheez-Its at CVS. What the literal fuck do you think women on Tinder are? If not objects, than perhaps just horny, lonely vaginas waiting to leap at opportunities for sex?

“OMG thank you, married goddess, for giving us this offering, yes of course I’ll be your husband’s birthday present, that’s what I’m here for! I certainly couldn’t be here to find a partner of my very own! Pshaw! No, no I’m just here as a sexual option for people who have no fucking idea how to find or attract people to sleep with. Maybe when we’re done you can tell me how you two met? Maybe suggest a cool single male friend of yours I could meet? No? You just want me to put my clothes on and get the fuck out of your house as fast as possible? Awesome, have a good night, happy birthday.”

I’ve remarked on the sitting-duck nature of women on dating apps before. We really are exposing ourselves to everything in the pursuit of finding just one thing. It takes a remarkable amount of fortitude to go online day after day after year and try. It is exhausting and often degrading without being treated like an object that can be “given” to a man as a gift.

Wanting to try something new and fun in the bedroom is awesome, and healthy. I am glad this woman is exploring her husband’s sexual fantasies, and I certainly hope she’s exploring her own. What I also hope is that I can dispel the massively offensive notion that women on Tinder are a way to easily, without commitment, emotion, respect, or financial compensation, experience those fantasies. I am not on Tinder to serve the desires of others. Understand that I am a human being using a dating app to potentially meet a partner, not to momentarily delight yours. Give me that gift.

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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