Online Dating Turnoffs: The Advanced Kit

Warning: Highly specific and intended for use only by me.

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People talk a lot about dealbreakers. “What are your dealbreakers?” Seemingly your absolutes, the non negotiables we’ve whittled our dreams down to because there’s no longer any hope of having more than the bare minimum. I have them, sure, but I think the focus on them, apart from being bullshit, is really limiting and doesn’t give good old-fashioned turn offs their day in the sun. Whatever happened to just stuff you dislike? Where is the dislike, I ask you? Let’s bring it back. Let’s embrace the ick and the ew and the hard pass. I’ve spent the last decade in R&D on this topic, and I feel I’m ready to present my findings. My turnoffs, in no order whatsoever:


Group Acrobatic Park Yoga

Under-Chin Selfies

Burning Man or a discernable festival obsession


Photo Booth Props

Open mouths and/or visible tongues


DJ Equipment

Professional photography of any variety

Bicep-Choking T Shirts


The Absence of a Dog

I don’t take myself too seriously

Any kind of heavy metal performance



Holding your face really close to the camera and filling the frame with your flesh

Lip Rings

Married guys from competitor apps

Lots of jewelry

Live life to the fullest

Photos with celebrities

An indication that you live in more than one city

Aggressive downward stares

Work hard, play hard


Athletic Unitards

Exploring what the city has to offer

A camera held to the side covering half of your face in the bathroom mirror

Hats of a non-baseball variety

A guitar anywhere in frame

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