One Internet A**hole’s Guide To Finding A Husband

A real email, from a real person. I just…

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Photo by Quentin Keller on Unsplash
  1. Cooking and baking are some of my favorite hobbies. I’m looking forward to letting someone lick the spoon. Not you or anyone as shamefully, moronically, cluelessly confused and misguided such as yourself. But someone. Someday. I hope he’s tall.
  2. I keep the house clean because that is how my cat likes it, are we clear?
  3. I am submissive. And dominant. And many other ways of being. I’m the full spectrum of human emotion and personality. I know you prefer a more black and white approach to women, but I am colorful, baby. Colorful.
  4. I’m willing to hear you out on the not denying a man sex thing. But only if when he denies me sex I get to roll him in honey and birdseed and put him in the yard.
  5. As far as size, body type, weight, diet, etc., I maintain that you should be jailed for your thoughts, but for now let me just say that it’s quite clear I belong with a man who likes having his hands full.
  6. As a monogamous woman, I am fully willing to display all of the loyalty that has been earned. And none of the loyalty that has been squandered. My prior sexual partners are my business and my business alone. Though I will reveal that you are not among their ranks. I’ll spill that tea.

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NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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