Job Posting: Rockstar Startup Seeking Rockstar

Only rockstars need apply.

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  • Collaborative
  • Highly motivated to collaborate
  • Versatile, literally can do anything really, really well
  • 2–10 years experience in innovating
  • Experience running integrated 360 campaigns
  • Can explain what integrated 360 campaigns are
  • Enjoys a fast pace
  • Can keep up with a fast pace
  • Understands that a fast pace includes business hours and all hours that are not business
  • Strong contract management skills with the ability to define, initiate, drive, and oversee engagement parameters effectively with third-party contractors (this one is real, from a real job posting, I just think it’s hilarious)
  • Currently and successfully self managing inbox-induced anxiety
  • Flexible, can handle complete role and company mission ambiguity and constant change
  • Never cries
  • Perfect grammar and punctuation skills
  • It would be great if you could be good at bowling
  • Conceive, articulate, and defend conceptual and strategic decisions, with a heavy emphasis on defend, you’re going to have to fight for every single thing you want to do, and we’ll probably still say no, just fyi
  • Manage internal teams, external teams, and special teams
  • Define the creative process
  • Implement the creative process
  • Convince execs that the creative process and all of the people involved in it are necessary at all times even though they were hired long before you
  • Partner collaboratively across all areas of the business, including departments that were never told they’d be working with you
  • Ensure cohesive delivery of deliverables, with accountability for everything contained in all deliverables, without measurable metrics as to the success or quality of the deliverables
  • Work with the Product Team to help explain to the rest of the company what the Product Team is and does
  • Participate in business development efforts, which are whatever we say they are at any time
  • Project management, literally managing everything at all levels as if you’re both intern and CMO at the same time, though your title will be somewhere in the middle
  • We each pick a day of the week to vacuum
  • Sometimes Eric bakes muffins
  • A generous shares package that will only vest after you’ve given us your soul for four years and even then it’ll probably never be worth anything because we won’t have an actual exit but we’ll still hold this out as reasoning to pay you less than you’re worth and definitely less than the five male engineers that we just stole from Facebook
  • Incentives (no explanation available)
  • A gym membership
  • A spin class membership
  • A bike share membership
  • Lots of other things this job will never afford you the time to use and that will serve as constant reminders of just how much of your life you spend at a computer
  • Free lunch every day so you never have a reason to leave your desk. We’ll actually bring your lunch to your desk so you don’t have to disrupt your workflow to consume nutrition

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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