Job Posting: Rockstar Startup Seeking Rockstar

Only rockstars need apply.

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Job Title: Head Of Innovation

Location: Work remotely, but still in our windowless office in Times Square

Who We Are

An innovative company revolutionizing and disrupting the way consumers consume innovation and disruption. We’re a well funded (for the next 6 months) startup taking aim at any remaining industries that don’t yet have cute pink packaging. We’ve launched and relaunched 3x, but this is it–the perfect pivot, and we need an absolute animal to lead it. Are you an animal?

What We Need

We don’t know what we need–we want you to tell us what we need. We probably won’t let you do it, but we still want to know what it is. We want a top-notch innovator and ideator who can leverage technology and wants to be on the cutting edge of what’s next. This person will play a critical role in our company, we think. We need someone who can own completely undefined ideas from start to finish, and who can motivate a team of entitled children to deliver. We don’t really want them here anymore, but we hired them because we wanted to fill this place with young and hip people for that photoshoot that ran on Mashable two years ago, we’re sorry. This role will be looked to for leadership, and we probably won’t define the metrics against which your performance will be measured, just in case we decide you’re unnecessary after three months and that we made a mistake posting this in the first place. We want a versatile change-maker who stands out, literally the best person on this planet who can take on any job or task within our company of 6 people at any time, and teach themselves how to do things drastically outside their skill set on a moment’s notice with an extremely positive attitude and 100% success every time. Rockstar.

Who You Are

  • Highly motivated
  • Collaborative
  • Highly motivated to collaborate
  • Versatile, literally can do anything really, really well
  • 2–10 years experience in innovating
  • Experience running integrated 360 campaigns
  • Can explain what integrated 360 campaigns are
  • Enjoys a fast pace
  • Can keep up with a fast pace
  • Understands that a fast pace includes business hours and all hours that are not business
  • Strong contract management skills with the ability to define, initiate, drive, and oversee engagement parameters effectively with third-party contractors (this one is real, from a real job posting, I just think it’s hilarious)
  • Currently and successfully self managing inbox-induced anxiety
  • Flexible, can handle complete role and company mission ambiguity and constant change
  • Never cries
  • Perfect grammar and punctuation skills
  • It would be great if you could be good at bowling

Responsibilities

  • Champion all strategic and innovative projects
  • Conceive, articulate, and defend conceptual and strategic decisions, with a heavy emphasis on defend, you’re going to have to fight for every single thing you want to do, and we’ll probably still say no, just fyi
  • Manage internal teams, external teams, and special teams
  • Define the creative process
  • Implement the creative process
  • Convince execs that the creative process and all of the people involved in it are necessary at all times even though they were hired long before you
  • Partner collaboratively across all areas of the business, including departments that were never told they’d be working with you
  • Ensure cohesive delivery of deliverables, with accountability for everything contained in all deliverables, without measurable metrics as to the success or quality of the deliverables
  • Work with the Product Team to help explain to the rest of the company what the Product Team is and does
  • Participate in business development efforts, which are whatever we say they are at any time
  • Project management, literally managing everything at all levels as if you’re both intern and CMO at the same time, though your title will be somewhere in the middle
  • We each pick a day of the week to vacuum

Perks

  • Happy hours 3x per year (really 2, we never get around to it)
  • Sometimes Eric bakes muffins

Compensation

  • Competitive, but not as competitive as 5 years ago
  • A generous shares package that will only vest after you’ve given us your soul for four years and even then it’ll probably never be worth anything because we won’t have an actual exit but we’ll still hold this out as reasoning to pay you less than you’re worth and definitely less than the five male engineers that we just stole from Facebook
  • Incentives (no explanation available)

Benefits

  • Full healthcare, vision, and dental
  • A gym membership
  • A spin class membership
  • A bike share membership
  • Lots of other things this job will never afford you the time to use and that will serve as constant reminders of just how much of your life you spend at a computer
  • Free lunch every day so you never have a reason to leave your desk. We’ll actually bring your lunch to your desk so you don’t have to disrupt your workflow to consume nutrition

To apply: Please respond with your resume (required), cover letter (required), link to your portfolio (required), and links to any personal social media accounts that will allow us to stalk you before we decide to interview you even though they have nothing to do with your work or skill set (required, because we’ll just dig them up anyway and this will save us some time). No recruiters, this job search is being managed by our Head Of Marketing Development & Collaborations in her spare time.

Good luck!

Written by

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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