I Wouldn’t Date Him But You Should

And other charming dating advice.

Photo by Shani Silver

“Go talk to him!”

“But he’s so nice!”

“Give him a chance!”

“You’re being too picky.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t date him, but you should.”

I know you hate it. I hate it too. There’s a reason why. In my opinion there is also a reason why we can’t precisely describe what we hate when we’re being spoken down to like lower beings who should not only settle, but say thank you for the opportunity. It doesn’t feel good for a reason: comments like this approach you failure-first.

When people say these things to us, we’re being ambushed by shame in the moment, and you never need to feel bad for not thinking of the perfect response until two days later in the shower. We don’t know how to respond to this because it shouldn’t be happening to human beings in the first place. There is also a reason why I bother to call these comments out on Beyonce’s internet. I want this shit to stop happening, and I think our self worth as single people, reflected out into the world, is how we do it.

This is a hidden narrative, and it requires us to get upset with people we love, which I know causes discomfort. I think our brains tend to hide certain narratives from us to keep us safe and loved, when it can. If we can keep things cozy by telling ourselves they don’t “mean it in a bad way,” “they just want us to be happy,” or worse — that we’re actually in the wrong for being single and should take this “advice,” we’re likely to do it, because keeping peace feels better than kicking beehives. There’s a kind of cruel comfort in nodding and smiling your way through single shaming, in making a joke, shrugging it off, or in simply acquiescing to whatever it is someone who thinks they’re better than you tells you to do in the moment. Anything to make it stop. I’ve been there, and you didn’t do anything wrong by behaving exactly as human beings do.

The never-discussed narrative your friends and family are still auto-renewing their membership to is the idea that your worth and value are completely tethered to romantic relationships. Your lack of a romantic relationship is feeding them information (albeit bullshit information) about your worth and your place in the world…