“I Don’t Plan To Be Single That Long”

Bless your heart.

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Photo by STIL on Unsplash
  1. You can look directly at singlehood, it won’t bite. Accepting your single status, and even loving your single life, does not have anything to do with how long you’re going to be single. Again, singleness and partnership aren’t things that can be planned for like calendar items. They’re up to luck and fate and the universe and so on. It isn’t actually possible to “scare away” your future partner, whoever they are, by something as simple as…you know, being happy. I get very annoyed with single people who think that by refusing to accept or enjoy this time in our lives, they’re somehow setting themselves up for success. First of all, partnership isn’t “success,” you haven’t accomplished anything, you just met someone you don’t mind sharing a bathroom with, and second, does it even feel good? To focus so intently and fiercely on “finding someone?” Is that fun for you? I deleted my dating apps two years ago but if memory serves, they’re a shitpile. It’s okay to acknowledge, accept, and enjoy your time as a single person. It is literally impossible for that change in mindset to somehow communicate to the ether that you don’t want a boyfriend. That is ridiculous. Think about it: Someone who hates being single so much that they anxiously, desperately, constantly seek out partnership by any means is communicating…what exactly? Exactly.
  2. Singlehood isn’t unfortunate. I want to leave singlehood better than how I found it, and how I found it was that it’s considered a lower state of living. One in need of rectification by one solution only: partnership. Singlehood isn’t something that requires you to find a “way out.” You’re not stuck, or lost, or leftover. You are valid and real and worthy of living the full human life you’re already in possession of. If you do need a “way out,” I hope you take comfort in knowing you already have it, you already have your own mind, and the way you think about being single is entirely up to you. When I do partner, I’d rather leave behind a happy singlehood, because if I do, I won’t be afraid to return to it should I find myself in a relationship that has run its course. I won’t be scared to be alone, I won’t be ashamed of myself. Instead, I’ll be proud of myself for only being in relationships that are right for me. I really hope, before you’re partnered, that you learn to see all the good in singlehood that’s hiding behind your own fear and shame. Fear and shame that were given to you by a society that isn’t even living your life. Do me this favor: Sleep in the middle of the bed. Sit in the middle of the couch. Listen to music that only you love and burn your toast to your desired degree. Soak it up, your singlehood, because you won’t always have it, and I’m scared you’ll miss it when it’s gone. Live it, and love it, before it’s gone.
  3. Listening to a (highly rated) podcast designed to uplift single women via positive discussions about single life that involve more than just dating won’t make you single for longer. There is literally no scientific correlation between listening to a positive podcast about single life and the length of time for which you yourself will be single. Look, I want to be magic, but not that kind. Accepting your singlehood isn’t a sentence, it’s pure freedom. The absence of fear and shame make so much space for good to come in. Being ashamed of being single, and being afraid of staying single are wastes of time, energy, and emotional space. My podcast is a tool to help you shed that fear and shame. And it’s there for you whenever you’re ready.
  • You plans for the weekend, including projects around the house, to-do list items that make you feel ready for the week ahead, meals with friends where possible, culinary experiments if you’re me, relaxy time, hobbies and personal development, etc., all without accommodating the plans and desires of anyone else.
  • Your financial future. You can set up autopay bills to alleviate stress, as well as automatic deposits into savings and investment accounts, building up your financial confidence and freedom over time. With these decisions, you don’t have to “run them by” anyone at all. They’re yours.
  • The takeout you’ll order this evening, without once uttering the phrase, “what are you in the mood for” to anyone other than yourself.
  • Professional and personal goals, such as asking for a promotion or pursuing a new skill. Maybe you’d like to adopt a pet. Maybe you’d like to move to a different place, maybe you’re craving a career change. You can make plans for that.
  • Whatever fabulously indulgent series you’ve been meaning to get into on Netflix without first needing to present a court case worth of facts and supporting arguments in order to get someone else’s buy-in. Just turn on your fucking television, and press play.

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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