Hey Spotify, Are You Kidding Me?

The streaming service’s new Premium Duo feature charges single people more than couples. Thanks.

Image for post
Image for post
Charming couple graphic used in the Spotify email I received letting me know that couples were about to get a deal on their streaming music, and I was not.
  • Google “Dating Advice” or “Dating Coach.” Now try to find the same services for people who would just like to be happy being single. Good luck. It is assumed that the only way for single people to be happy is by finding a partner, and there are endless services, tools, products, etc. that are aimed at helping single people “fix” what’s “wrong.” Oh and they charge single people money, too.
  • There’s a table of single leftovers at a wedding, because lord knows we can’t be peppered in amongst the couples we actually know, that’ll throw the earth of its axis
  • We always get the shitty room at the Airbnb
  • We’re asked to give up the seats we paid for on planes so that couples can sit together (to be 100% honest with you, I gladly do this without bitching when it’s a parent and child who want to sit together, and if I’m 150% honest with you it’s because I don’t want to sit near a child)
  • No one bitches when people take two weeks off work to go get married but if I take two weeks off work because I hate you people, that’s uncool
  • Sit down to dinner with a friend as a single person and pay attention to the first question you’re asked. If you’re the married one, ask yourself why “So, are you seeing anybody?” is always your go-to. “Go on any good dates lately?” is also another gem.
  • Oranges only come in MASSIVE BAGS. And don’t get me started on the jalapeños at Trader Joe’s.
  • Single women (and I won’t go too far down the double standard rabbit hole here because we’d be at this ’til Christmas) typically have to tell a man making unwanted conversation at them that they are “taken,” or else endure whatever bloviating the man wants to spout at them, because that’s the only thing men respect. Other men. Even fake ones.
  • Movies never end with happy single people. Only happy people who were once single who find partners by the end. Carrie should have told Big to go fuck himself. There, I’ve said it.
  • Television shows like Love Is Blind and The Bachelor treat and degrade single people like circus animals, making them do any and everything for entertainment’s sake all under the guise of “finding love.”
  • The kiss at midnight.
  • You get gifts when you get married. Like the marriage isn’t the fucking gift. You get everything you could ever want for your home or kitchen or you get the vacation of a lifetime completely financed. Single people have to pay for everything themselves. FYI I’m registering for my 40th birthday, you’ve all been notified.
  • Google “blog posts for single people.” If you find one that isn’t about dating, that isn’t about ending their single status as fast as possible like its fucking leprosy, you let me know.
  • splitting bills
  • splitting travel expenses
  • splitting Lyft rides
  • splitting every cost associated with being a wedding guest
  • splitting the costs of birthday, holiday, and baby gifts for people you both care about
  • splitting pet costs
  • the ability to buy cheaper groceries in bulk and use them up before they go bad
  • using both of your credit reports to get approved for things or just picking the better one
  • tax benefits for filing jointly if you’re married
  • tax free gifts to spouses
  • choosing the partner who has the better/more affordable health insurance
  • avoid the horrors of the modern dating scene entirely
  • not be alone in a pandemic
  • have someone in their home who can tell if they have COVID and can’t wake up from sleep properly—if this happens to me and there’s food in the cat’s dish, I’m pretty much done.

Written by

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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