Completely Unsolicited But Very Passionate Praise For Spanx Leggings

Faux leather. Real love.

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Image for post
Photo via Spanx.

It’s 2019 and we’re on the internet so let me immediately say that I have not been paid for or asked to say this. Honestly I’m not that popular or persuasive but I’m flattered you think so. What I am is a 37-year-old woman with a belly that she’s somehow lost all ability (if not desire) to suck in. Therefore, the way I chose to cover the lower half of my body is with Spanx Faux Leather Leggings. Never have I known such comfort, such style, such ease. Let’s begin.

Spanx Faux Leather Leggings are a feat of modern engineering available to the general public for less than a hundred American dollars. They feature a “contoured Power Waistband” which is the hardest working yard of fabric in the business if you want my frank opinion about things. It does the job of ten women in terms of stomach meat gathering power and condenses it into a container I didn’t know I fit inside. Reader, it improves my posture, that’s how effective this garment is at being itself.

I want to be clear that I do not use this garment to appear smaller. I’m quite comfortable appearing exactly my size. What I am not comfortable with are pants with closure apparatuses that cause discomfort if not straight up bathroom issues I don’t want to discuss in front of children. These leggings collect me, swaddle me, and look good underneath literally all of my tops. I have Swiss Army knives that aren’t this versatile.

While my hind quarters have never been the stuff of pop songs, I’m also aware that Spanx Faux Leather Leggings offer rear-end perking as well. Someone with a behind of note should tell me if they’ve seen these effects, as I feel unqualified to comment.

Unsatisfied with the product features above, Spanx also made sure to alleviate that most unsavory and uncomfortable of sartorial conundrums, Camel Toe. Yes, I wish it had another name, too. There’s no mid seam running up your crotch with these leggings is what I’m saying. Rather, there are side seams instead, as the Lord intended. The Lord, by the way, is Spanx founder Sara Blakely if I’m the one praying and giving thanks.

While I admit, “you’ll be everyone’s asspiration” is copy I’d have advised against if not fired my underlings for, I can forgive this brand almost anything, certainly a bad joke. This is a brand that, at its very core, understands a woman’s body, and a woman’s needs. Not only are they designing clothing for the shape of me, they’re factoring in contingency plans as well. They planned for me to eat lunch and we should give offerings to this legging in a flower-laden temple.

In closing, I’m tired. I’m tired of jeans that make me feel like I’m bursting forth from them regardless of what size they are. I’m tired of looking at my midsection in disgust no matter what size I happen to be today. I need a pant that can do the heavy lifting for me, that can make me feel properly dressed and comfortable at the same time, and the fact that these leggings are also cute feels like they gilded the lily.

For every day, every occasion, every calendar item that causes concern, not because of who might be in attendance, but because of the necessity of assembling an outfit, there is a Spanx Faux Leather Legging waiting to give you, and certainly your midsection, a very firm, stylish, comfortable hug. From the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of my legs, from the very depths of my closet, thank you Spanx, for aiming so high…waist.

Written by

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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