I am not a beauty editor. I have never filmed a YouTube tutorial and contouring scares the shit out of me. Winged eyeliner sounds like something that’s going to make me miss my dinner reservation. No one paid me or even sent me any of this shit for free, I had to go on Amazon, like a patriot. These are things I found and started using in 2016, if you feel like reading something today that doesn’t terrify you, I hope you enjoy.
- ColourPop Pearlized Highlighter in Highly Waisted.
If you like your face to shine like the top of the Chrysler Building, this is your guy. I’ve started highlighting the hell out of my face recently because I figured out it’s an age-appropriate way for me to wear glitter. There is nothing better on the planet for this little money. Buy it here for only $8 goddamn dollars. (There are a ton of colors, too, so if you see a disco ball moving toward you on the sidewalk in the coming year, it’s likely me.)
2. The Baiden Mitten
Yes, this is the least-creepy photo of it I could find. Snaps to my friend Kelsey Miller for introducing me into this magical invention this year. If your skin is starting to feel like what I’d imagine that dragon-scaley Game of Thrones disease feels like, go to town with this thing. Use it in the shower as it takes off dead skin and can get a lil gross. It’s worth $48 because it will keep you from spending even more money on scrubs you’ll never finish and then just toss in the garbage the next time you try to Marie Kondo your home. Buy it here.
3. COVERGIRL Super Sizer by LashBlast Mascara in Very Black
Please feel free to continue to buy $22 mascara from Sephora. Also if you’d ever like to start a bonfire with your money let me know and I’ll bring marshmallows. This is the best mascara on Earth. Buy it here for five fucking dollars and thirty five fucking cents. You’ll look like a Disney character by the time you’re done with this magical wonder product and when it starts to get to the consistency of bathtub caulk (which is probably its own way of telling you to get new mascara for hygienic reasons), you won’t cry about how much money you just threw in the trash.
4. Nudestix Skin Glossing Pencil
Honestly, I don’t even care if you read the rest of this. Just click this link and buy this because it’s the best beauty product I tried this year. Maybe any year. Every time you see some girl on Instagram with more followers than people who live where you do showing off amazingly dewey skin, I think this is how she got it. At the very least, it’s how you can get it. Warning: It is possible to put on too much and freak out your coworkers. I’ve heard.
5. Hourglass Ambient Light Correcting Primer in Luminous Light
If you want your face to look better than your face, get this. The price tag is obnoxious, but if you are a Sephora VIB just wait for a 20% discount or something. Buy it here for $44 and don’t panic. Using it means the rest of your makeup is going to work better and last longer, meaning your plans after work aren’t going to require a full face-beating in the harsh, cruel light of the office bathroom. It also lasts longer than you think it will and when it starts to run out, cut this bitch open like one of those freegan people on basic cable and scrape out every last bit.
6. Maison Louis Marie perfume oil in Bois de Balincourt
This is the perfume I wear every day. I also have a spritzer thing of it I cloud around myself before I leave the house but this is the one I carry with me always. It smells like being a grown up. Where once I wore vanilla-scented options I’m fairly certain only made my dates hungry, this stuff is the scent of a goddamn woman. Buy it here for $57 and know that it lasts a really, really long time.
7. Everlasting Liquid Lipstick by Kat Von D in Bow N Arrow
I despise purchasing things with celebrity names on them (George Foreman grill notwithstanding). I make an exception for this. To further support my support of this stuff, I went my entire life (ENTIRE LIFE) without wearing lipstick until I tried this shit. I am converted. I am reborn. I am getting fucking lipstick all over my S’well bottle. It’s worth it. Buy it here for $20 and then just get the rest of your colors from ColourPop.
8. Son & Park Beauty Water
All of my skincare is Korean. Most of it isn’t on this list because I didn’t discover it in 2016 and I like to tell the truth. Beauty Water is the best makeup remover on this blue planet so please stop wasting time rubbing little wipies on your face. Buy it here for $30 and if that seems insane, first of all I agree with you, and second of all this is a nice substitute. The bottle is huge, so I have a feeling it will last long enough to make me forget how much I paid for it. If you’re interested in more righteous Korean skincare, check out sokoglam.com, it’s the best place I’ve found to source it.
9. Amore Pacific Treatment Enzyme Peel
I feel like a Goop editor suggesting this, please forgive me. This is a product that came in one of my Birchboxes and so I have never paid the $60 this shit will cost you. The title makes it sound scary, essentially it’s something you wash your face with a couple of times a week to make you feel like you’re getting rid of any grime or pore-cobwebs that might be collecting. Your skin will feel fucking incredible afterward so *maybe* it’s worth it? I don’t know. Below is a photo of the .02 oz travel size I received. This lasted me about three months and you can get it on Amazon for $15.46. Hair clip included for size reference.