23 Thoughts A Copywriter Has Before The Holidays

Merry Clichémas!

  • No, Kevin, I don’t think I will “feast [my] eyes” on your Thanksgiving deals.
  • Sleigh, not slay. [Stares directly at camera.]
  • My thesaurus has begun autocorrecting “joy” to “my child, what are they doing to you?”
  • All this cheese is making me constipated.
  • Sometimes, for fun, I read promotional subject lines out loud, as Daria.
  • I will never give up on my dream of running away from this place and becoming the person who names all the nail polish colors.
  • The safe word is “twinkle.”
  • All I want for Christmas is for you to stop using capital case.
  • ‘The holidays are just around the corner” is the plot line of my unfinished horror script.
  • I’m afraid I’ll drunkenly get “40% off” tattooed on the inside of my right wrist after the company holiday party.
  • Honestly Target, just leave the trees out all year.
  • “Ho ho ho” is the original Latin for “Your copy makes me want to throw hot coffee in my eyes.”
  • A play on naughty/nice for the holidays? Groundbreaking.
  • This year for Secret Santa we’re just trading open bottles of alcohol from our desks.
  • I am one mediocre subject line away from murdering a reindeer and fashioning a remote cabin out of its carcass.
  • How long before we just start messaging Christmas on the 4th of July?
  • The snowflake emoji is really the universal language of our time.
  • I would rather teach my mother how to use an iPhone than write one more email dek about gift guides.
  • Black Friday and Cyber Monday are actually the given names of the little girls in the hallway in The Shining.
  • Omg “ringing in” the deals does sound like fun! How wrong I’ve been.
  • Say “before the ball drops” to me one more time and I will shove my laptop so far up your ass you’ll taste clickbait.
  • Bring it, Cupid. I’m ready for you.

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that. Host of A Single Serving Podcast. shanisilver[at]gmail

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